"Hello there. Welcome to the Immigration Clinic at UNLV Law School. (Yes, I know our formal name is the William S. Boyd School of Law.) As you know, our clinic gets live cases from the Ninth Circuit and we brief and argue them, which is an exciting educational experience for not only the students, but the teachers as well.
We have a great one for you this semester. It's a case where the United States is seeking to deport a non-citizen of the United States -- Romio Villagomez, a citizen from the Federated States of Micronesia -- based on Mr. Villagomez's state law conviction. We think that Mr. Villagomez has a decent argument for remaining in the United States, because he's a good person and because while, yes, we was convicted, he received an entirely suspended sentence (of 24–60 months).
That's the good news. Here's the bad news. He was convicted of battery resulting in substantial bodily harm. And federal law expressly provides for deportation when a non-citizen has been convicted of a violent crime. So we'll be arguing that "battery resulting in substantial bodily harm" is not a "crime of violence."
Yes, that's what we'll be arguing. Not exactly intuitive, I know.
Here's the fun part, though. You'll get to know the ins and outs of the incredibly complicated distinction between the "categorical" and "modified categorical" and all the other detailed differences that exist in this particular doctrine. An issue that confounds (and often upsets) a huge number of appellate judges. Sounds exciting, right?
Good news, though. Most of the arguments on our side have already been made in a couple of Ninth Circuit dissents. So we'll often be just reiterating what smart people like Judge Fletcher has already said.
Though I want to reiterate that those were dissents. Our arguments already lost. And the panel we'll argue in front of will be bound by those decisions.
But, at the end of the day, we're going to argue that the existing Ninth Circuit holdings aren't dispositive. Because we'll say that they held that attempted battery is a categorical crime of violence, but in our case, we have a completed battery -- causing substantial bodily harm, no less. So we'll say that an attempt gets you deported, but a successful battery doesn't.
No, I did not get that backwards. That's what we're going to have to argue.
Oh, one last thing. I'm a little-known psychic, so I already know who our panel is going to be. It's going to be two Bush appointees and one Trump appointee.
What a fun semester it will be, eh?! On to victory!"
Yep. That's exactly how I imagine the conversation went.
